May is my New Year. The month I celebrate a new year of myself. Every year is a year I grow older. My month to rewrite my resolution for that year older me. It is May that I plan the location to party with the friends I have, we toast to another year of possibilities. May is my month on transformation.
My parents only child, my mom passed away 18 days before my thirteenth birthday. She was diagnosed for stage 4 cancer and short before a year she passed away. My mom and I were on that rocky road of the relationship, but she is always my mom. I had not taken whole of what losing her would be like. Every May gone by was another year longer that I was waiting at the bar for my mom to show up to help finish off the shots my "eyes were too big" [black mom quote] for.
May was still my New Years. I held her close for eleven years, and the many more to that will shower through. May I feel myself grow bigger roots. May was still my New Years. Reborn to be better than before. Those old mom quotes and the flash of her big laugh. No mom, me, just the sister and aunt to the best two kids God could have left me. My New Years surrounded them. Birthday wishes and hugs when I come home; but ten years of New Years without my mom and the year of greatness, my resolution goal, shattered because gravity was no longer on my side.
The ball had dropped. Literally. Ten years of moving ahead and gravity slipped from under me at twenty-three. All the notes and preparing went airborne with me. 5...4...3...2...1...That's the rhythm of the fall. I went from a surprise to free fall to a new life. May 28, 2019 I go that call that went my through a canal I found narrow and unfamiliar. My nephew- more my brother - was KILLED.
No champagne bottles, no kisses under the midnight stars. It was tears and disbelief. No longer a New Years celebration, its just a day I rose, and the night my brother lost his life. The crazy, and blessed part about it, is that I got the chance to see him that night, and the blast over 30 miles away woke me up before mom [his mom] would reveal my-our- heartbreaking fear.
My birthday is my rebirth. I feel the change as each year adds onto my life and the lost of theirs.